Friday, January 13, 2012

Tears

Well, today, I need to share my heart.  I have been reduced to tears.  I am learning daily that I really can't do it all!  I am so insufficient in every area of my life.  God is teaching me new things every day like...how much I need Him.  I felt so overwhelmed this week with home schooling my four and taking care of our baby, doing laundry, making meals, keeping the house clean, taking kids to extracurricular activities, and just the daily routine.  Sometimes, I feel like my children don't realize the sacrifice that I make to teach them at home.  My prayer is that they recognize the time and investment that I have contributed to keeping them at home.  I have often been so mislead by my thoughts.  I think, I want to make sure that I teach them everything so that they can say that Mom gave us every opportunity available.  I have come across some home schooling Moms in the past that have not done a thorough job of educating their children.  Wow, was I judgmental!  What I am learning is that character is far more important than my children being the smartest of the smart!  I spoke with a seasoned Mom today and shared my frustrations.  She said, "Do you remember everything you learned as a child in school?"  You know, I really never thought about that but it is true.  I didn't get the best education but I sure turned out okay and I actually feel like I had an accomplished career as a Nurse.  But, why am I so intent on doing it all?  I had to really think about that!  I think I have become so puffed up with pride that I try to do it all, without God's help.  I think, I can give my children a private school education at home.  Man, I am so prideful.  I've made some mistakes in driving them hard and not working often enough on character.  As I look back, I should have started every day with a devotion, talking about the Lord.  But no, I just kept driving.  At times, I can see that school is becoming miserable for all of us.  That same friend said when things aren't going well, her husband would tell her to slow down and make cookies.  In other words, enjoy your children, do something fun.  It's not until I get to the point that I can't do any more, exhausted, frustrated that I stop being stubborn and listen to what God's telling me.  Tahra, cut back on the schooling, they are supposed to enjoy it!  Tahra, spend more time teaching them about me!   Tahra, enjoy them, they won't be here much longer!  Tahra, don't get angry, frustrated, and feel defeated.  You know, we only have a short time with our children.  Have I done all that I can do to love them, to instill God in them?  As you can see, God is working on me, changing me, molding me with his ever loving hands.  There have been times when I wish I could take back some unkind words.  Lord, please make me what you want me to be.  Take my life and use it for your glory.  Help me not to be judgmental of others, to be puffed up.  I can't do it all!  I need you! It is so hard to be vulnerable. 

4 comments:

Jennifer Vance said...

I can totally relate with you! :)
I tend to push myself a lot and try to get everything done...one of the ladies in my church told me God told me to lay down and rest,that he had my future....lol,that is hard for me to do!But then my body is like,you gotta lay down.It also reminds me of the time where we had to move and I was looking and looking for places and didn't find anything...instead,the place found us!Someone called,responding to an ad in the paper we had.So all of my work was really for nothing...I remember that when I feel like I need to work more,but also feel God telling me to slow it down.
As for the whole schooling thing...well,I am pretty passionate about not stressing school too much.I've had a lot of people pressuring me about college when I really strongly feel I am not supposed to go at this point.It's also just not too doable with the way my health and life is right now.Talk about major stress if I went.
But it does rather get on my nerves that we have a culture where we seem to value education over character.I'm like...what about learning from life,learning from God,learning from love?I think wisdom is better than being real smart at school.Learning is very important,I love to learn,but there is so much more to life than what you learn in school or college.
When I think about when I'm old and at the end of my life,or even once I'm in heaven,I'm like...I really don't think I'm going to cry about not going to college.(I would go if it was needed for what I wanted to do in life,though)But I would cry about not being myself,following my dreams,spending time with people,getting to know God and sing and dance and all that stuff.
Being vulnerable is very tough.It's hard to not be like,oh,I'm good,everything's great,when truly it isn't.
Something I really want to relearn this year is to be...just be...instead of do.Especially in my relationship with God,I started getting too caught up in doing things for him,instead of doing things with him.And you know how it is when you're really tired and with someone you love and trust,and you just be with them?I want more of that..with both God and people.
And now I think I'm going to go lay down. :)

twest70 said...

Thanks, Jennifer for your honesty and sharing your vulnerability, too. I love that you are stopping to listen to God!

Between You and Me said...

love you friend.
I'm in the grind with you....
character first. character first. character first.

Gailanne said...

New follower here, stay blessed!

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